a self-indulgent thought

***

Not much new to report. But WordPress has set specific goals for my publishing, so i feel i must oblige. Toying with the idea of using this space to publish serially a much longer work of fiction that i have conceived, though i imagine that’s just ego-stroking and completely impractical. So desperate for instantaneous feedback…

Which highlights a fairly important aspect of my character. Never thought of myself as much of an “approval-idol” guy until recently. Thought i was exactly the opposite, in fact. i specifically remember in middle school and high school, once my current nefarious personality was beginning to crystallize, believing that i didn’t care what anyone thought about me. i would wear what was unfashionable. i would say whatever nonsense sprang to mind, just because i though i had the right. Lived my own way, i thought. Did what i thought was right, and everyone else’s opinions be damned.

Recent events have graciously allowed me to realize that all of this posturing was a lie. The main tool of the flesh and the enemy is convincing us that whatever wrong we are doing we are doing for the right reasons. It had never occurred to me until quite recently that perhaps the very persona of not-caring-at-all was a deeply twisted way of caring a great deal. It was important to me for people to know that i didn’t care what they thought, and thus, it was very important to me what they thought. But of course, at the time, i couldn’t see the forest for the trees. The great deception was that, even in seeming independence i had allowed myself to become highly dependent on the opinions of others.

Maybe, rather than continuing to indulge this tendency with as many posts as possible, i should just scrap the idea altogether. i pray that if i start to find that i am only doing this to inflate my already enormous opinion of myself, i will have the supreme courage to tear it all down. Instead, pray that i use this space wisely, for the purpose of posting only that which will encourage others to greater levels of faith in Christ. For only in that can it be right.

***

Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun.      – Ecclesiastes 2 : 11

In Christ Jesus, then, I have reason to be proud of my work for God.                          – Romans 15 : 17

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