in response to “Bethesda”

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How quickly i seem to oscillate back and forth from fury to calm, sadness to glee, disquiet to peace. Many times i feel like an internet consumer reviewer of the Lord’s handiwork: i only take time out to complain when it doesn’t live up to my feeble expectations, and never express my gratitude when it greatly surpasses them. Considering that the default setting of creation (and in particular, my heart) is broken, it seems i might find it in me a little more often to thank Him for what He has done instead of whining about what i think He hasn’t.

On that note, today i feel blessed. Sure, i could go on ad infinitum about what these specific blessings are, but suffice it to say the gratitude in my heart today is sublime. Though i would love nothing more than to stay in this place, i have a feeling i will depart the safety of these confines and wander back into uncertainty and wondering, either by God’s design or (most likely) by the leading of my own sinful desires. But for today, i have been mercifully allowed to rest in a profound sense of God’s provision and love.

No event prompted this, as far as i can tell, only the feeling of connectedness. That is how truly remarkable the love of the Father is, that whenever we encounter it even for just a moment, circumstances and struggles and faults and days and hours and labors and everything we have carried around in boxes marked “important”: it all just seems to dissolve into some imperceptible oblivion, leaving only the too-bright light of Him wherever we look.

i long for the day when this is all i get to experience. Until then, i am grateful that He has deemed fit to show me even a glimpse. Grateful too, that even though i do waver so severely, He never does, not even for an instant.

***

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.    – James 1 : 17 – 18

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