a long walk away from entropy

***

A month and a half. When i first started this undertaking i asked my wife how long it would be before i lost my steam. My first guess was about two weeks. Fortunately i guessed wrong, but not by much. About a month and a half in, and my posts have dwindled from once or twice a day to only about once a week. Some of that i guess is because i don’t have much to say anymore: i came in with a wealth of material that i had accumulated over the past year and now i feel as though i am waiting on some new inspiration. But some of it is also is just a matter of diligence, dedication, and commitment. i have always, in any endeavor i have attempted, inevitably burned out. Every time. i know of not a single effort in my life that i have maintained until its completion. (Well, not yet anyway. There is still hope on a few fronts…)

i love to do this with God. i don’t truly love it, of course: i don’t consciously love it, i don’t endorse or condone it. But by this i mean that something in me must love it on some level, because i see myself doing it all the time. i find myself reaching out to Him when i need Him, pleading desperately for His affection and attention and rescue, then when He surprisingly complies (surprising because my filth is so great, not because His faithfulness is suspect) and things start to look up a bit, i slowly start to taper off in my affections. i find myself getting to the point where i actually think, “Things are kind of going pretty well right now!” Sometimes in this place i actually stop and praise Him, which is one of the profound differences in me from a year ago, but most often i start congratulating myself and giving myself spiritual patsontheback and imaginary highfives.

This is, of course, the very moment when i start to slip again into horrid sin, and the cycle begins anew.

***

To keep my writing skills sharp (or rather to get them sharp in the first place) i must continually write. Continually. When things are humming along and i don’t have anything to gripe about, i should practice writing pieces that are filled with joy (notice there is only one such piece on the blog so far). Likewise, i must press on into God even when the need for Him seems to become less dire. i must not allow my heart to deceive me into thinking that i have become an ace chap already, and i certainly must not forget that if there is any ace chap in me at all, i did not place him there by my own strength. Rather if there is anything good in me, in my circumstances, in my surroundings, those things are gracious gifts from my Father and should be treated as such.

To forget this is to descend into madness, blackness, nothingness; to let all my meager talents and what base knowledge i do possess atrophy and morph into undetectable chaos. All matter, all universal particulate structure, without the sustenance of the Divine Hand, makes the same unfortunate, tragic, viscous grind to a sad silent halt.

Heck, even the scientists know this.

***

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.    – James 1 : 17

Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving.   – Colossians 4 : 2

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