Not sure if this was a good idea or not.
i took today off from work. The idea was to just get some rest and do some writing, which i have done. i was struck just now by a sneaking sadness, almost a regret, that i will not be able to do the same thing tomorrow, and the day after that, and every day.
Now that i have awakened to writing as a passion, it is nearly all-consuming. i think about it all day long, even unto the point of neglectfulness. It is difficult for me to concentrate on other endeavors, particularly work, when i feel my true calling is elsewhere.
Sometimes i don’t eat breakfast because rather than sating my appetite it merely reminds me that it is there, and awakens my metabolism to want more sustenance. i fear that is what i have accomplished today. Rather than curing what ails me, i have exacerbated the situation.
But all dreams are not to come to pass. Sure, i would love nothing more than to muse all day, reflect on life and culture and put down my smallish thoughts in a smallish way on my smallish blog. This is obviously, however, a non-reality, a non-possibility, at least for the time being. There may come a day when God sees fit to provide me the opportunity to be support my family through my writing, but that day is not now. This realization, though sad, does give me something to work towards. My suspicion is that such a time will not come, that i will always be required to labor at something else and maintain writing as merely a hobby. If this is to be so, then i can reconcile this to my soul. i am grateful to have work, and grateful that it is mostly stable, and grateful that i have enough leisure time to do any writing at all. This should suffice, regardless of what my always-needy heart may be crying.
It is, at the very least, a tiny dose of sugar that helps the medicine of the earth go down a bit smoother. I truly thank God that i have at least that much. After all, it is grace that has given it to me, and it is absolutely more than i deserve.