the pipeline: a confession

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Some of you may have noticed (the five of you that are paying attention to this blog) that it has been a while since i posted anything. There is a very simple reason for this: i have had nothing to say.

When i first started this blog, it had been many years since i had written anything, and in that time i had learned many hard lessons. For years i had been, in a sense, filling up, and, as the title of this blog suggests, it was time to start pouring back out. i had been entirely a creature of input for a long time, and was bursting at the seams with ideas and truths and inspirations all of which transferred themselves onto the page (or the screen, that is) with fire and fury. But for the last week or so, the pickings have been on the slim side, and i have felt fairly tapped out. The cistern that in March was full to brimming was now poured out and dry, and there was not even a drop to be squeezed from its sparse and needy confines.

It is my firm belief that the physical realm teaches us a great deal about the spiritual one, and thus i do not think it an accident that in order to have energy to function and contribute in society we must do certain things, some of which are even somewhat unpleasant. We must eat, we must drink, we must care for our bodies by cleaning them and maintaining them with exercise and visits to physicians. These things are no accident: they are the world God has made. Had He chosen to, He could have made it so that these things were not necessary, but He did not. While i do not presume to understand His wisdom fully, i do believe that at least one reason the physical world is structured so is because the spiritual one is exactly the same. In order to have anything useful or pertinent to contribute to others’ souls, we must continually maintain the state of our own soul. And just as i have felt dead in my writing of late, so have i felt in this regard as well. i have had nothing to give lately. i have been extremely short on patience for sin, both my own and others’. i have been bled dry of wisdom, reason, understanding, love, and mercy lately, and being able to recognize this only heightens my disappointment about it, thus creating a negative feedback loop that is proving difficult to escape from.

Man is as one link of pipe: alone, he is empty and useless. Connected to the source, he then becomes an outlet for what flows into him. Connected on the other end, he then becomes fully integrated and useful, and what flows out of him flows immediately into those around him. It is only in this state of connectedness that he may be continually and newly full. Disconnect at either end, and it isn’t long before his is either learning but letting his knowledge dump out onto inert earth, or not learning at all and attempting to give to those around him without anything left to give. i have been in this second state lately, and i am realizing that it is not sustainable.

Again, the answer is simple: if i am dry, then i must return to the source of water. In this case, that source is Christ. It is no surprise, given the lack of time i have spent with Him lately, that i feel disconnected and disenchanted. And since writing pours out from the soul,  it is no surprise that i have had nothing to offer in that regard either.

i only wish by this post to accomplish one thing: to acknowledge that i have been running on fumes lately, and profess that i must return to the fuel source to fill up my tank. Heck, even that metaphor is ugly and overused, and demonstrates quite effectively that my writing is starving to death right now. i, too, am starving inside: i have given myself no reason not to be.

But fortunately i do not have to produce masterpieces every day for there to be a purpose in writing. In fact, it is probable that God may be glorified more when my own ability is faltering than when it is strong. Confessionals such as this may, in the right context, be actually more valuable than masterfully crafted pieces, because they are true and unpretentious. They are naked and vulnerable, and do not attempt to make much of little. They are content with being little. And that is why i write them: not so that everyone will see how expertly i have done something, but so that someone, the right someone, will benefit from it even if they are crafted rather poorly, as this one is.

Rambling done. i do hope that at least one person finds in my frankness some nugget of truth that resonates with them, and that by this we are all encouraged to remember how desperately sick and dry our souls are when we do not seek the One who gives us life.

In the spirit of 12-step programs everywhere: thanks for listening.

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Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”    – John 4 : 10