trends, trinities

 

 

***

trends, trinities

 

i

sun, moon, water

 

sun’s light is

best reflected in

placid water. jealous,

ardent moon, ever

derivative, prowls for and

pulls us, mere

drops, into

fumbly tides

just to disturb and

shatter into

glistening everywhereshards

the image of the day.

***

ii

mine, yours, no one’s

 
we have

not seen it

before; we have

not yet sat

together,

calm, not

speaking;

have only

beaten mercilessly against beach and

one another,

either trying to

tear apart gentle

earth,

or fighting to leave in the

dust

some impression that

fades

as soon as the

next wave sees and

disagrees.

***

iii

a cord of three strands

 

only a photon

remains in me, when two

together, i and

                  you

would a beam make;

and three? i dare not even dream, a

picture

begin

to form;       a clear,

                        clear,

reflection.

***
 
“No, I don’t miss you… Not in a way that one is missed.

But I think of you.

Sometimes.

In the way that one might think of the summer sunshine

On a winter night…”

― Sreesha Divakaran, Those Imperfect Strokes
 
 

image credit: http://www.dailypainters.com/paintings/150245/Sun-and-Sea-abstract-contemporary-modern-art-painting/Nancy-Eckels

 

Reunions

***

Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.  – Psalm 36 : 5

***

Not long ago i had the joy of attending a reunion of some of my friends from high school. Initially i had quite mixed feelings about the event. There were, of course, a few friends who i was very excited to see, knowing that our friendship from school remained (mostly) intact and untainted. Overwhelmingly though i felt a tremendous sense of dread about encountering many of the attendees; i had not left a good impression on many people while in school, and i could only begin to guess at how much this would still be a factor.

The evening was quite pleasant at first, comprised primarily of the standard exchange of updates. Conversation centered around jobs, children, living locations, and other sundry pieces of data about each person’s current situation. It wasn’t long, however, before talk naturally shifted to more nostalgic ground, and tales from our time together 15 years prior began to surface. This, of course, was the part of the evening i had been dreading all along.

i will spare you the details, because some of the stories i heard about myself are truly too embarrassing to pen, but suffice it to say that even i was shocked at the level of callousness, selfishness, and utter depravity that the character Rich Wilson exhibited in some of these stories. With no exaggeration, i can honestly say that i was such a pompous and disgusting ass in high school that i had forgotten some stories that most people would remember with cringing horror. In essence, i had done so many awful things to people that my memory could not contain them all.

Reflecting on this later in the evening, i found myself shaken to no small degree as a result of these encounters. This event revealed two things about my heart, things which i knew to be true but clearly needed to be reminded of. First, it still matters to me a great deal what people think of me, so much that i believe it is somewhat idolatrous. While it is true that i should be concerned with how i come across to other people, i should only have this concern in the context of my identity in Christ. My primary concern should be reflecting Christ’s love to the world, and not what opinion people may have of me. If anything, my self-image issues frequently get in the way of this reflection, and often i find myself less bold about the gospel than i ought to be for fear of seeming crazy or silly. Secondly, i have a tendency to dwell on the mistakes of my past, so much so that sometimes this becomes my identity. My mistakes and inadequacies also have relevance only in the context of the gospel: they display, if i allow them to, how deep is the Father’s love and how powerful is His redemptive might. If He can love even me, He can surely love anyone.

Somewhere between the abject blind selfishness i showed in high school and the co-dependency i exhibit in current relationships lies the proper place for my heart. This place creates a man who is aware of his failures and yet not afraid to show them because in them Christ’s ultimate grace is displayed. This place creates a man who is concerned with how others see Christ, not himself. In this place, my image is of no consequence; in this place, i am not afraid in the least of looking like a fool so long as it is done for the sake of loving God and loving others well.

Outside of this place, there is only worry, guilt, shame, and dark, weary stories from the past. i do not want to forget these stories entirely, because they remind me of who i was, and they remind me of who i would be without Christ. At the same time, i need not fear these stories nor run from them any longer. i may concern myself with how others feel about them for the sake of healing and amends, but i myself can be free to feel nothing about them. That man, praise God, has been and is being put to death each day.

Ultimately, the only opinion of me that matters is God’s. It would be great if these people learned to love me, but if they do not, God has chosen to, and that is not only enough, it is everything. i would be lying if i said i understood it, and even to say such is humbling beyond words, but for purposes of His own He has chosen to see in me His child. i pray that i will learn to see myself in the same light.

***

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end.  – Lamentations 3 : 22

presence

***

i won’t ask

why

(this bag of

whys

that i carry

always

on my back

holds

only few meager

books,

and is already

full)

so i won’t

ask.

don’t need to

know

why you are

here

as long as

you

please just stay,

always.

***

the habit of meeting together

***

Each morning, almost without fail, i see here at the local shop at least one group of men meeting. Sometimes there are two, sometimes more. Sometimes they are older, sometimes younger. Almost universally however, regardless of background, motivation, economic status, or any measurable demographic, they are meeting here to encourage one another in the faith. i have never seen, to my knowledge, men meeting together intentionally to tear one another apart. It seems a rather dull and obvious observation, but whether or not we know it, men need one another if the walk through life is to be successful. Whether it is genuine psychology or just a popular conception, masculinity is often associated with rugged self-reliance and stoic independence. It is the woman, popularly, not the man who asks for directions when lost. i can say with no qualms that i don’t give a hang about common notions of masculinity. i need others in my life. Badly. On my own, i am pretty much inadequate to every task.

When i first moved to Austin, i left almost every friend i had behind in Houston. Granted, it wasn’t too long before i met a few people, mostly through work, but though i got along perfectly fine with them (when i wasn’t being a jerk), one cannot make life-long friends in a day. Those who remained in Houston had been my friends for years: we had gone to school together, and weathered many a storm at each others’ sides. Obviously i did not have this shared history with my new friends, so while for a season they were the people with whom i spent my time, as soon as my work situation changed, so did my friendships. I have changed jobs three times now since moving here, and the number of people from each of those previous jobs with whom i am still in contact is miniscule. it was a very long time before i began to develop connections that were as profound as they had been in my hometown, and when i finally did, i wasn’t even ready for it.

Recently, however, i have been living in quite a wealth of friendships, and interestingly it has only happened because it was not the objective. It is really no trick to make friends when all you care about is making lots of friends. It is another thing entirely for people to treat you as a friend even after you have been deceptive and hurtful to them. As many of you know, there have been some rather rough times in my life, mostly self-inflicted. i had many “friends” during those times, people who i saw every day, hung out with at every opportunity, people who i thought would be in my life forever. Almost none of them are still around. The people who are around, however, are not the ones with whom i was honest, with whom i was “myself” so to speak, but the ones i lied to the most. The ones who were most hurt by my actions. Those who have remained to help clean up the mess. And this is why i feel so blessed.

i have only gratitude in my heart for these few people, and for God’s placement of those people in my life. i would not be making it through this aftermath were it not for the support of my true friends, the ones who, for whatever reason, loved me in spite of my faults. They have truly shown me what it means to love others as they love themselves. It is no fault to be in need of brothers in this life, nor to admit that need. It is, in fact, a strength to be able to confess that alone we are insufficient. After all, the only thing in creation that God said was “not good” was for man to be alone. The next step in this process, now that i have been so richly blessed by others, is for me to smash that sponge dry; to take all of the love that i have been fortunate to soak up in the last few years and squeeze it back over those who gave it to me. Only then will they truly be my brothers.

***

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.   –  Hebrews 10 : 24 – 25

Gideonauts

***

The first time i lost a sponsor, it was disappointing and a bit discomforting, but i didn’t feel utterly abandoned. I had not wanted to make a change, but his life circumstances demanded that he cut some things out of his schedule. I was shaken a bit, but i understood. i was perching dangerously between my fourth and fifth steps, which, as anyone who has been through the steps can testify, is a considerably difficult time in the process of Recovery, and no easy thing to walk through with a new and somewhat unfamiliar person. But God provided someone who i had gotten to know fairly well, and the transition was fairly seamless, mercifully. My new sponsor walked with me through some very trying times, and helped me get all the way to the end of the steps and even was instrumental in helping me transition into being a sponsor myself. When he, too, was forced to step away from the ministry, the blow was fairly severe. He had been my sponsor for the bulk of my time there, and had become not just a mentor but also a close friend. The absence of his impact on the program and on my life was felt immediately, and to some degree i am still recuperating from that loss personally.

There were really only two people left after that who i would have felt comfortable sponsoring me, at least in our particular ministry. i was just beginning to develop a dialogue with one of them over the last few weeks when he also made the decision to step away from Recovery.

To those of you who are not familiar with the 12 step process, having a sponsor is critical. They are the person who sharpens you, encourages you, prays for you, even slaps you around a bit when you need it. Granted, these things can be found in any true community, but it is true community itself that can be difficult to find. Sure, there are plenty of accountability groups and Bible studies and book clubs and whatnot out there, and certainly edification can be and is accomplished in those environments. But for an addict, there’s something about looking into the eyes of someone who has been exactly where you have been, and seeing all the love and severity of Christ reflected in those eyes, that spurs us on to living faithfully. Without that relationship, those shamelessly fierce and unabashedly forgiving people in my life, i would not be where i am today. So when one by one they are taken from me (and frankly from many other people in the program who are, on some level, even more in need than i), i am forced to wonder at God’s motives for doing this. Three men, two of whom were founders of the program, and all of whom had unparalleled wisdom and insight, all called to leave the program for various reasons.

i have no special insight into the mind of God, but i have my suspicions. At the very least i am fairly sure i know what these circumstances mean for my life. It is true that i gained some valuable encouragement from these men. They were teachers, sounding boards, accountability partners, and men of God. And there is certainly nothing wrong with soaking in the wisdom of those more experienced, unless it begins to be a substitute for developing your own relationship with Christ. i believe God is weaning me off of the crutch of other men, and wants to nourish me Himself. It is rare that i take things to Him first. If i am struggling at work, or in my Recovery, i tend to talk to one of these men, historically, or my wife, or my brother, but very rarely do i just kneel down and spill out my guts to Jesus. i believe this is what he wants from me, from all of us. This is why He came to sacrifice Himself: not chiefly that we might be able to talk about Him to one another, though this is certainly an effect which bleeds over from His purposes, but so that we might be able to talk directly to Him; so that if we needed encouragement we would be able to receive it directly from the One who is All Encouragement. This is what He has called men to experience, and the very thing to which He is now calling me.

A similar theme runs throughout the book of Judges, as time after time God is attempting to show the Israelites what He can do, rather than teaching them to rely merely on what they can do. Perhaps nowhere is this more prevalent than in the story of Gideon, during which God weans Gideon’s army down from 10,000 men to merely 300 before leading them to victory.

My army of 10,000 is slowly being whittled away, and if i am any judge of these things at all, i would guess that it is for similar reasons. If i am to have victory in my battles, be they of character or spirit, be they personal or moral, then it is going to be He who leads me through those battles, and not my own strength, and not the strength of my army. Perhaps it is time that i start running to Him whenever i have insufficiencies, rather than to other men. While i am by no means ungrateful for these men and what they have been to me historically, they are but dim and partial reflections of the One who wants to do for me utterly and entirely what they could only do for a season.

I must admit there is something terrifying and chilling about being spiritually naked before God. Perhaps this is why i have needed mentors in my life. There was a time when i was spiritually naked before no one. Gradually these brothers have taught me the way of grace and forgiveness, they have showed me the love of Christ to the best of their ability. Now He wants to show it to me Himself.

***

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.        – Phillipians 4 : 6 – 7

besidewalk

***

On cold worn pavement my

clumsy foot stumbles on

a crack, whose line and spintering path

You stretched out with careful thumb and forefinger

from end to end, whose jagged rambles are the

slashes of Your furious joyful pen.

You have named each pebble packed like

closely knitted stitches into the sunbaked slab;

You know from which ancient mountain it was

hewn, and in which field, fertile or

fallow, it will rest as dust.

***

deer, near a stream, panting

***

This knuckle’s calloused groove has

not forgot (though mostly now i type)

the pen’s round burning embrace. Bumps and buds of

tongue remember well the taste of

bread, the sting of mustard, the crisp cold bite of

the pickle; even they cling to the flavor of

bologna or marshmallow cereals, which they have not

seen since youth.

Rough and ragged lips cannot misplace

the memory of softest pink your cheek, of

most delicate curve and hunger of your

lovely lonely mouth. The

taxidermied head was not made to be

on display except on

a neck, in the woods, its body

scampering quickly out of sight, leaving only the

vague memory of its presence.

Nothing made was thrown

happenstance together, compacted at the

center of the singularity’s unforgiving suck,

and set alone in empty space.

Rather all things, all matters, and

all molecules were forged in the

bright warm inferno of the stars, baked together in

love like the ingredients of a

birthday cake, made for

a celebrant child.

***

As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God.   – Psalm 42 : 1

something absent

***

words thrown together –

but not in sentences.

without verbs, present action:

alone

disjoint

inert.

***

Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate.     – Germaine Greer

Christianity teaches us to love our neighbor as ourselves; modern society acknowledges no neighbor.   – Benjamin Disraeli

connections

***

i feel weirdly naked without my phone. Saturday it decided to overheat and spew smoke, and for some reason that makes me wary of using it. Two days without it have demonstrated how addicted to that piece of technology i have become. Like most smartphone users, i use it for everything at this point: communication, including email, Facebook, texting, and the occasional phone call (i know, archaic, right?), but also directions, entertainment, and instant access to unlimited information. It is almost always in my hand for one reason or another, so the last few days i have caught myself reaching into my pocket and grasping nothing but fabric before i remembered it wasn’t there. Yesterday i had to (gasp) look up directions to where i was going at home before i left, and then remember them. I also had to wait until my wife got home to talk to her, which was an agonizing hour. This interdependence, i realize, is completely absurd. It wasn’t that long ago that i didn’t even have a smartphone, and was forced as the plebians to go to the laptop or my desktop at work to google an answer to an irrelevant question or to delete the twenty senseless emails a day that i receive.

It isn’t the phone itself that i miss, but rather the connectedness and the instant gratification that it provides. Checking my blog stats and comments, reading people’s reactions to my reactions to their Facebook posts, sending photos via text, etc. i get that it is ridiculous to be so habitual about the use of the phone, but really, it isn’t entirely my fault. Man was made to be connected, and technology has just made it easier to indulge this need. By being so involved, i am really only tapping into deep spiritual needs that have existed in me since birth.

Except that i am doing it the wrong way.

Yesterday’s sermon was a rather poignant reminder of this. While it had nothing to do with technology, it did ultimately have to do with connectedness. The essential point was not necessarily revolutionary, but it is something that is rather easily forgotten, or at the very least it’s weight does not land on us properly because we have taken it for granted. i was reminded yesterday that the nature of our relationship with God is not as creation and Creator, though it is that in part, and not even as subject to King, though it is also that, but the fundamental characteristic of our relationship is that we are adopted as His children. This is really a staggering claim, when i think about it. If i think of my standing with God as a spectrum which runs from negative infinity to infinity, it becomes more so. God has redeemed us, and given us grace for our sins, this is true. But this is not where the story ends. He has not stopped with taking us from negative infinity back to zero on the spectrum, but has instead continued carrying us all the way to positive infinity. We are not only justified, squared with Him, but He has taken us into His house and offered us everything He has. More than just being a neutral authority, like the government, with whom i can have either no standing or a negative one, he has actually become Our Father.

Indeed i may be built for connectedness, but i am to be primarily connected with Him first, as all other connections are made stronger and purer (and truthfully can only exist at all) through Him. i am called to something so much greater than merely being “right” with Him, although this is certainly an undeserved blessing in itself. But i am called to relationship. i am called into connectedness with Him. Perhaps a few days without my phone will be good for me. i can spend my time connecting with the One who is the source of all relationship, and stop substituting for that opportunity the meager chalk outlines of connection offered by the replacement therapy of social interaction.

***

See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God  – 1 John 3 : 1

a trip home: two haikus

***

i dream of spiders

devoured mercilessly

by their starving young

–

waking up after

i feel as if i have not

slept in many days

***

What’s the point if we hate, die, and kill for love?   – from “Killing for Love” by Jose Gonzalez